Episode 5 Recap Roundup:
Kristen Baldwin for Entertainment Weekly
Apparently, Elyse has just realized she’s on a televised dating show with many, many other women — and she needs to share this revelation with Colton. To that end, she shows up at the Bachelor’s hotel room and informs him that she needs more “time and attention,” and unfortunately she can’t “call Chris Harrison and say I want every one-on-one for the next year.” There really isn’t much Colton can do but empathize, which he does — “When I was in your position it was tough to go on a one-on-one and then watch the other guys come back with a bigger smile on their face than I had”— but Elyse needs more. Elyse needs it all. “I literally can’t accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention with other people,” she says sadly. “I can’t do it.”
All together now, rose lovers: THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHOW, WOMAN?
Diggy Moreland for Betches
Onyeka tells Colton that before Elyse left, she mentioned to her that Nicole was only there to try to “get out of Miami.” Says who?? That right there is a lie. If you’ve ever been to Miami, you know that you get KICKED out of Miami, you don’t just leave. The amount of targets that Onyeka now has on her has left the retail chain looking at her as their new spokesperson. Colton asks Nicole about this rumor, and she lets him know that she signed a 2-year lease and she can’t leave.
He breaks the girls up into groups and makes them scrounge for banana leaves and fresh water. It’s at this point that Demi and her group decide that they would rather be at happy hour than digging for worms AND SO THEY F*CKING LEAVE. Lolololol. Y’all, I’m dead. Demi ditching the group date to find AC and a margarita is the energy I want to bring into 2019. She is the gift that keeps on giving.
Ali B. for Vulture
When Colton and Cassie head to the evening portion of the date, she decides to open up to him about the biggest struggle in her life: not being a virgin.
I don’t need to hear about the status of each of these women’s hymens. This is beginning to feel like some ancient mating ritual where the women in the village wear variably dirty garments to signify the statuses of their flowers. Cassie somehow believes that her personal life is now going to be a topic of national conversation and her community will find out she’s not a virgin. In what community do your neighbors care if you’re a virgin or not? If you find out that your neighbors are keeping track of who’s a virgin and who isn’t, you need to get them on a watchlist.
Rodger Sherman for The Ringer
Normally you can count on The Bachelor’s music selection to tell you how to feel about such dates—if it’s going well, romantic music swells; if it’s not going well, dramatic music will play over hand-picked awkward moments. But when Heather and Colton stared at each other, wondering if and when they would kiss, we got … nothing. Just the ambient sounds of a man and a woman sitting across from each other at a table, with zoom-ins on their mouths and every last wet, popping noise or lip smack amplified as loudly as possible. I never realized how many sounds the human mouth makes while eating shrimp.
Ashley Iaconetti for Cosmopolitan
Nicole seems way too uncomfortable to be conniving. Onyeka, who is doing all her interviews about Nicole with a martini in her hand, sees herself on the chopping block and is trying to throw an easy target under the bus so that she can stick around another week.
Sharleen Joynt for Flare
But I swear, if Colton pulls a woman aside ONE MORE TIME and begins the conversation with, “I just spoke with so-and-so and she says you’re XYZ,” he’s just as bad as they are. He’s adding fuel to the fire rather than snuffing it, when frankly, having lived on the other side on Becca’s season, he should know better. Say what you want about Juan Pablo, but I honestly believe if a woman had told him that she heard I “hated” him, he would have scoffed at it. He’d have trusted his gut and the time he had actuallyspent with me, rather than believing—and investing energy in—the first thing he heard from someone other than the actual source. Colton sure spends a lot of time fearing being taken advantage of or having his affections unrequited, but he should spend more of that time trusting his own instincts and recognizing this house strife for what it is: nothing more than clashing personalities.
AfterBuzz with Kristina Zias, Renee Ariel and Jeff Graham
Almost Famous with Ben Higgins and Ashley Iaconetti (This week: Jared Haibon, Jade + Tanner Tolbert)
Bachelor Live with Julia Cunningham and Robert Mills
Bachelor Party with Juliet Litman (This week: Robert Mills)
Here to Make Friends with Emma Gray and Claire Fallon (This week: Ashley Spivey)
I Hate Green Beans with Lincee Ray and Some Guy in Austin
Rosecast with Rim and AB
Rose Pricks with Ronnie Karam and Stefanie Wilder Taylor
Will You Accept this Rose? with Arden Myrin, Erin Foley, and Ralph Garman
Miscellaneous Bachelor Nation Podcasts:
Chad’s World with Chad Johnson
Help! I Suck at Dating with Dean Unglert, Jared Haibon, and Vanessa Grimaldi
Let’s Talk About It with Taylor Nolan
Mouthing Off with Olivia Caridi
The Nick Viall Files with Nick Viall
Off the Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilley and Tanya Rad
Your Favorite Things with Wells Adams and Brandi Cyrus