Episode 1 Recap Roundup:
Kristen Baldwin for Entertainment Weekly
“I am the first virgin Bachelor!” he reminds us. Oh man, then we get this heartbreaking montage of Colton growing up in his “conservative” household, going to Christian school and “wanting to fit in so bad,” but he was the “fat, chunky, awkward, weird kid” who “didn’t have girlfriends.”
Okay, well… I’m just going to leave that alone and move on. High school football saved his confidence, says Colton. And Becca taught him what love is — until she turned around and “devastated” him right before Fantasy Suites. Then came some “transformative” experiences in Mexico, blah blah blah, and now Colton is “here to fall in love.”
Diggy Moreland for Betches
We have a speech pathologist from California, and Miss Alabama who has only kissed four people in her lifetime. Heather is up next and get this…like the movie SHE’S NEVER BEEN KISSED! (If she makes it to the Fantasy Suite, no condoms will be needed. Just UNO cards and bunk beds).
The self-proclaimed “Nut” just straight up asks Colton why TF he’s still a virgin. I love when he tells this story because it’s just so false. I just don’t believe that a young, blond, conventionally attractive PRO FOOTBALL player has never even seen a vagina before. Like, this is the most far-fetched thing The Bachelor has ever tried to sell me. And this whole “I didn’t have the time to date because football” is also ridiculous. He dated Aly Raisman for, like, a year and the honestly couldn’t find any alone time with her? WHAT IS THE TRUTH, COLTON?
Ali B. for Vulture
In addition to not having a personality, Colton is notorious for not being able to decide about his romantic interests. That’s 99 percent of his responsibilities here. The other one percent is making grand speeches, and he sounds like he’s struggling to remember all his lines tonight.
Rodger Sherman for The Ringer
Jane walked out of the limo with a picture of her dog, Bella, photoshopped next to Colton’s dog, Sniper. (Good dog, weird dog name.) It was a cute little gag—both George Costanza and Michael Scott have attempted it in some form in the past! But somehow, Colton looked at the framed picture and said, “Are these your dogs?”
HE LOOKED AT A PICTURE OF HIS OWN DOG AND SAID, “ARE THESE YOUR DOGS?”
I cannot trust a man who fails to recognize his own dog. Even if it was just for a split second, even if it was a low-resolution, weirdly photoshopped picture. If I see any picture of my dog, or even a dog that closely resembles my dog, my heart instantly leaps and I start beaming and thinking about the unbelievably perfect animal who lives in my house. It’s called love, and it’s hypothetically a concept the guy who is on The Bachelor should understand. I don’t trust Colton. Get him outta here.
Ashley Iaconetti for Cosmopolitan
While this may be reality TV and the show truly doesn’t stray that far from the reality of a situation, remember there's enough footage to make a villain seem kind and an angel look like a devil and everything in-between. As a Bachelor contestant, in the beginning at least, you’re just an “X” simplified and plugged into a formula. There's not enough time do it any other way when you start out with 30 women. You usually get to see the complexity of someone’s character more on Paradise.
Sharleen Joynt for Flare
There were way too many virginity-related limo exit gimmicks to be coincidental, and I would bet money that women with concerns were encouraged to voice them to Colton directly during their FIRST (and possibly last) conversation with him. I completely understand a woman’s reservations about his virginity from a dating perspective, and in terms of television programming, I can respect that this is a unique and interesting facet to Colton. But, as Nicole said in an ITM, I think it’s a personal decision and not exactly Night One material.
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