I literally don’t have the drawers to unpack all this baggage, y’all.
The dates begin, and drama ensues.
Surprisingly, DJ Agro Catherine was not the impetus for the drama (and where was her dog, btw?). Rather, Demi takes the crown on the first group date, ramps it up during the cocktail party, and totally alienates the “older ladies,” particularly Terrible Tracy, in the process.
Hannah B. goes on the first 1-on-1 date of the season on her “golden birthday,” (which….why is this a thing?) and she implodes. As a pageant queen, she clearly can’t improvise. If she doesn’t have a rehearsed answer to anything Colton asks her, she basically melts into a puddle of awkward. It’s not good television.
Blah blah blah camp date with Billy Eichner. Heather’s never been kissed. Gotcha.
Finally, Alex B, Angelique, Annie, and Erika were eliminated. So, usually two ladies who the Bachelor is actually interested in don’t get dates during Episode 2 - they’re definitely going to be kept around. This time around, Angelique and Annie didn’t go on dates AND didn’t get roses. My theory? Colton wanted to send them home Night One, but the producers made him give out 23 roses.
So how did our Bachelorettes do last night?
And what about the bonus games?
Preseason Bonus (for points):
Will there be a rose ceremony at the end of the episode? Yes
How many Bachelorettes will Colton kiss during Episode 2? 8
If you answered correctly, you will see an extra 25 points (for each question) added to your total when standings are posted later today.
EPISODE 2 Bonus (for prizes):
Tracy beat Alex B.
Tayshia beat Angelique
Sydney beat Annie
Onyeka beat Bri
Caelynn beat Nina
Nicole beat Caitlin
Cassie beat Kirpa
Katie beat Catherine
Courtney beat Heather
Demi beat Hannah G.
Elyse beat Erika
Will Hannah B. say “Roll Tide?” YES
11 matchups + 1 question, for 12 total opportunities. Three players got 10 correct! Congrats to Vanessa Cadavillo, Courtney Winkler, and Adana Dysart. I’ll contact all three of you later today!
Stay tuned for player standings and the episode three Bonus Game!
Episode 1 Recap Roundup:
Kristen Baldwin for Entertainment Weekly
“I am the first virgin Bachelor!” he reminds us. Oh man, then we get this heartbreaking montage of Colton growing up in his “conservative” household, going to Christian school and “wanting to fit in so bad,” but he was the “fat, chunky, awkward, weird kid” who “didn’t have girlfriends.”
Okay, well… I’m just going to leave that alone and move on. High school football saved his confidence, says Colton. And Becca taught him what love is — until she turned around and “devastated” him right before Fantasy Suites. Then came some “transformative” experiences in Mexico, blah blah blah, and now Colton is “here to fall in love.”
Diggy Moreland for Betches
We have a speech pathologist from California, and Miss Alabama who has only kissed four people in her lifetime. Heather is up next and get this…like the movie SHE’S NEVER BEEN KISSED! (If she makes it to the Fantasy Suite, no condoms will be needed. Just UNO cards and bunk beds).
The self-proclaimed “Nut” just straight up asks Colton why TF he’s still a virgin. I love when he tells this story because it’s just so false. I just don’t believe that a young, blond, conventionally attractive PRO FOOTBALL player has never even seen a vagina before. Like, this is the most far-fetched thing The Bachelor has ever tried to sell me. And this whole “I didn’t have the time to date because football” is also ridiculous. He dated Aly Raisman for, like, a year and the honestly couldn’t find any alone time with her? WHAT IS THE TRUTH, COLTON?
Ali B. for Vulture
In addition to not having a personality, Colton is notorious for not being able to decide about his romantic interests. That’s 99 percent of his responsibilities here. The other one percent is making grand speeches, and he sounds like he’s struggling to remember all his lines tonight.
Rodger Sherman for The Ringer
Jane walked out of the limo with a picture of her dog, Bella, photoshopped next to Colton’s dog, Sniper. (Good dog, weird dog name.) It was a cute little gag—both George Costanza and Michael Scott have attempted it in some form in the past! But somehow, Colton looked at the framed picture and said, “Are these your dogs?”
HE LOOKED AT A PICTURE OF HIS OWN DOG AND SAID, “ARE THESE YOUR DOGS?”
I cannot trust a man who fails to recognize his own dog. Even if it was just for a split second, even if it was a low-resolution, weirdly photoshopped picture. If I see any picture of my dog, or even a dog that closely resembles my dog, my heart instantly leaps and I start beaming and thinking about the unbelievably perfect animal who lives in my house. It’s called love, and it’s hypothetically a concept the guy who is on The Bachelor should understand. I don’t trust Colton. Get him outta here.
Ashley Iaconetti for Cosmopolitan
While this may be reality TV and the show truly doesn’t stray that far from the reality of a situation, remember there's enough footage to make a villain seem kind and an angel look like a devil and everything in-between. As a Bachelor contestant, in the beginning at least, you’re just an “X” simplified and plugged into a formula. There's not enough time do it any other way when you start out with 30 women. You usually get to see the complexity of someone’s character more on Paradise.
Sharleen Joynt for Flare
There were way too many virginity-related limo exit gimmicks to be coincidental, and I would bet money that women with concerns were encouraged to voice them to Colton directly during their FIRST (and possibly last) conversation with him. I completely understand a woman’s reservations about his virginity from a dating perspective, and in terms of television programming, I can respect that this is a unique and interesting facet to Colton. But, as Nicole said in an ITM, I think it’s a personal decision and not exactly Night One material.
AfterBuzz with Kristina Zias and Jeff Graham
Bachelor Live with Julia Cunningham and Robert Mills
I Hate Green Beans with Lincee Ray and Some Guy in Austin
Rosecast with Rim and AB
Rose Pricks with Ronnie Karam and Stefanie Wilder Taylor
Will You Accept this Rose? with Arden Myrin, Rob Benedict, and Debby Ryan
Miscellaneous Bachelor Nation Podcasts:
Chad’s World with Chad Johnson
Help! I Suck at Dating with Dean Unglert, Jared Haibon, and Vanessa Grimaldi
Let’s Talk About It with Taylor Nolan (This week: Vanessa Grimaldi)
Mouthing Off with Olivia Caridi (This week: Elena Davis and Mark Jansen)
The Nick Viall Files with Nick Viall
Off the Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe (This week: Raven Gates and Adam Gottschalk)
Reality Steve Podcast (This week: Paulie Calafiore)
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilley and Tanya Rad
Your Favorite Things with Wells Adams and Brandi Cyrus
THE BACH IS BACK, GUYS!
Last night was…excessive. Three hours, four watch parties, two proposals, a gazillion former contestants, and one hot tub full of glitter and the goose.
The best part, hands down, was the tribute to His Hotness, Chris Harrison (and an appearance by his mom, who was darling:
So how did our Bachelorettes do last night?
And what about the bonus games?
Preseason Bonus (for points): How many Bachelorettes did Colton kiss on Night One? Three
If you answered correctly, you will see an extra 25 points added to your total when standings are posted later today.
Night One Bonus (for prizes):
Alex B. beat Alex D.
Angelique and Annie tied
Caelynn beat Bri
Cassie beat Caitlin
Catherine beat Courtney
Demi beat Devin
Elyse and Erika tied
Hannah B. beat Erin
Hannah G. beat Heather
Katie beat Jane
Kirpa beat Laura
Nicole beat Nina
Onyeka beat Revian
Sydney and Tahzjuan tied
Tayshia beat Tracy
15 total matchups, and one player got all 15 correct! Congrats to Trieste Phillipps! Five players got 14/15, and so two were randomly selected to also receive a prize: Danielle Nagy and Meagan Gilbert. I’ll contact all three of you later today!