JoJo + Coconut 4Ever
JoJo's Bachelorette Blog (People)
As I got dressed for the night, everything really began to sink in. It could have also been the Chipotle burrito I scarfed down a few hours prior. Yes, I am obsessed with Chipotle! I can't help it! Barbacoa, come to me!
Chris Harrison’s Blog (Yahoo! TV)
I think we would all agree that this was one of the wildest first nights in Bachelorettehistory. Daniel really brought the party, Chad was happy to provide his very bold opinions, and Jordan brought the first real kiss of the season — and with that won the first impression rose.
Even if I didn’t see the connection between JoJo and Jordan—which is impossible to miss—this gentleman has racked up too many Night One check marks to be ignored. Intro video: check. First out of the limo: check. Substantial amount of their Night One one-on-one time shown: check. First and only real kiss of the evening: check. First Impression Rose: check. The only way Jordan doesn’t make Final 4 is if something goes really awry, à la Britt—who, for the record, accumulated the exact same above check marks on Chris’ season—and even then he’s making Final Six. In my notes (yes, I keep notes), I wrote, “Has the look. Definite frontrunner” next to Jordan’s name.
Hopefully Jojo will take my advice and ignore these 2 guys for the next week. Ha! She really should since she knows they will be around for awhile. That way, she can use the next week to try and get to know the guys that she might send home early. Maybe one of them would make a good match.
I will say I had to roll my eyes a little when he said he "retired" from football and now has time for a relationship — boy, you were on three practice squads, cut, and no other team wanted you. Sorry for the sass, but I know my football. I do think Jordan's got suave moves, sexy confidence, and yes, cool hair.
Ali, 27: This first-generation American of Iranian descent is what you might call the underachiever of the family. His brother’s a doctor, his sister’s a dentist, but he spends his days surfing, skateboarding, and banging on the piano in sunny Santa Monica. He’s also quite adept at turning empty alcohol bottles into planters.
Gather the nearest available rose and frolic gleefully in its petals, because the time has come to boldly go where we go literally every single year: the romantic love shack that is Bachelor Mansion.
Long story short, all of the women encourage JoJo to kiss men on night one. However, as far as regrets go, Kaitlyn has a big one, and his name is Nick. Hot tip for JoJo: Maybe don’t sleep with a guy in the middle of the show?
Ali also warns against lust (I’m still waiting for Roberto to be The Bachelor), and Desiree says to
stay away from anyone named Brookskeep an open mind.
JoJo also seemed to find some attraction in Chad, but you know, first there's the name Chad. Then there's Chad's attempts to use "you're not like other girls" as his main seduction technique. JoJo liked how mysterious he seemed, and he was pretty sure he was just as "soft and supple and nice" as Ben ever was. Sure.
Chad is the guy who spent $7,000 on clothes for the show and brought a suitcase full of protein powder. He is the worst and spent the entire evening alternating between trash-talking all the other guys and praising himself. ("I am the manlier, more rugged version of Ben" – nope, that's just not the case.) That being said, JoJo seemed to like him, which worries us.
John shows up in a kilt because he's half-Chinese and half-Scottish and he's Scottish from the waist down. Bruh. Bruh. There's enough racists on the internet already. You don't need to make jokes about your own dick.
Every season has a few contenders whose jobs aren't even close to being real jobs, and one of this year's is James S., who self-identifies as a "Bachelor superfan." In his intro video, James S. alternates between doing shirtless pushups at the top a mountain and practicing saying "I do accept this rose in the mirror." Then it cuts to him having a Bachelor viewing party with two adults (who are never introduced) and two children. Poor guy. His Bachelor superfandom has alienated his friends and the only people who'll hang out with him are his sister and brother-in-law and his niece and nephew. I mean, hopefully they're his niece and nephew and not just two random kids off the street.
Season 12 has officially kicked off with a parade of jack wagons who will be vying for JoJo’s love and affection. Show producers cast a wide net and came back with 25 men who almost all look the same. Get ready, people. Floppy hair, facial scruff, forearm tats and skinny jeans are this season’s denim panties.
Coley, whose name I do not understand, tells JoJo, “I’m in real estate, too, and I’m hoping by the end of this I’m the one to take you off the market.” Coley looks like he’s coming off of a three-day bender and fixed his hair with the mini bottle of Jameson he had in his coat pocket.
If I was the Bachelorette, I'd be like-- can I just wear my pajamas and sit on a couch the whole time and you guys can cycle the men in and out, and whoever gives the best shoulder rubs gets a rose?
Reality Steve *Spoilers!*
Daniel talks to JoJo and is completely hammered. Says “I heard you were from Texas. I’ve never been there before because I’m from Canada.” Eh, hoser? What does that have to do with anything? Then just rambles on about something he saw on YouTube and JoJo is clueless. We then see him talking to the other guys in the kitchen about what he’s had to drink. 1 fireball, 2 tequila’s, 2 vodka’s, then he poked Evan’s belly button, which elicited a “WTF are you doing” from the other guys. I’m not sure what Labatt’s was thinking with his night one antics, but he probably should’ve toned it down a bit.
In completely unsurprising news, Chad is a dick:
Here to Make Friends (Huffington Post)
Bachelorette Party with Juliet Litman (Channel 33)
The Most Dramatic Podcast in Bachelor History (Jensen + Melissa, WHO HAVE BROKEN UP)
Coming up Roses (Barstool Sports)
Bachelor Nation News:
And just because: