Welcome to Week 2 of Paradise!
So long, Lauren. All of your tears and terrible put-downs were good for points, but your negative energy really did nothing for Paradise. You didn't even manage to make a connection with an animal. Everyone knows that's how you get through Paradise unscathed. And it was never going to happen with the Welder. Sorry, not sorry.
Who thought it would be a good idea to invite this guy to Paradise? And why is the Internet trying to convince us that BiP will be JJ's redemption, and we will all fall in love with him? I actually like him even less now, which I didn't think was possible. Go home, drunk dude. You and your shoulder tattoo aren't welcome here anymore.
Mikey, she's trying not to laugh at your Man Bun/Whale Spout. That does not signal a growing connection. Even with Clare, whose eggs are mostly dead. (Ashley I. deserves a swift kick to the hoo-ha for that comment, by the way.)
What will tonight bring us?
- A date between Jared and Clare that sends Ashley into a spiral of devastation, snot, and mascara that refuses to run (how?!).
- Michael the Federal Prosecutor/Type 2 Diabetic shows up and attempts to woo Tenley, turning the current love triangle into a square.
- Hopefully a rose ceremony, although with this series - you just never know. They're so freaking fond of their "To Be Continueds...."
- And finally, After Paradise. I haven't seen an announcement about who the guests will be, so maybe they're course-correcting after last week? Let's hope so.
Bonus is now closed - but I think most of you got your guesses in! Who wants a quick update? We had 12 mentions of "connect/connecting/connections" last night, mostly thanks to Jonathan, who wasted a week (I think it was probably more like 2-3 days, honestly) building a connection with Widow Juelia, only to have Kentucky Joe swoop in and steal her away. What's Joe's deal, anyway? What a dick. Why is everyone saying that Jared is the new villain? It's clearly Joe.
Tenley is rocking the points this week - currently sitting pretty at 240 points. I guess that's what happens when you go on a date, make out with two guys, cry twice, and speak directly from the Bachelor League Magic Words script.
Until tomorrow, Paradise peeps! Enjoy your mango with a side of crab.