They're here, and they're fabulous. Even better than we could have dreamed.
Move over Ben! JoJo is on to 26 new sexy singles.
It's the best time of the year, Bachelor Nation: the beginning of another season of The Bachelorette.
“For me, sometimes The Bachelorette is a bunch of dudes who look alike and start to blend together,” Harrison says. “But this is a very dynamic group.”
Tattoos, terrible facial hair, and tight-fitting v-neck t-shirts — when those three things assault your eyes at once, you’re either at a frat party or perusing photos of the latest contestants on The Bachelorette.
Before we meet the men who will battle it out for JoJo's heart, let's get to know them by making snap-judgments of their portraits and bios.
Thanks to The Bachelorette, we don’t have to check our calendars to know that V-neck season is officially upon us.
By way of introduction, we're going to engage in a little bit of judging a book by its cover and predict the likelihood of these guys winning it all based solely on what they do for a living.
Here now, we rank the outfits of each and every Chad vying for Jojo's heart this season, from least-worst to worst.
The tans have been sprayed. The hair has been coiffed. The stubble has reached peak five o’clock shadow length. They teeth have been whitened. The Gap shirt has been selected. As soon as Our Host Chris Harrison sprays down the driveway, we can officially get this party started.
Every year ABC rounds up a crop of white guys who kind of look like each other to pretend they’re looking for love when, really, they’re looking for fame.
On to the commentary!
Starting off strong with the push up "trick." I hate it when they do this.
We get it. You can do push ups. Big whoop.
Bartender or Pianist?
Y'ALL. I bet he works at one of those dueling piano bars. Calling it now.
Hipster. He's so going to play that up on the show, too. See? Mr. "I'm too cool for a tie. And for buttons." Her body language says, HELL NO. JoJo likes 'em polished.
Totally cute, right? Until you remember that her douchey ex is named Chad, and therefore she's probably biased against him from the start. See?
Blah. Except, he's funny! Or trying too hard. One or the other.
Helloooooo, Christian. Motorcycles are hot, and so are you.
Coley's a dumb name. And this guy looks like a turd. Maybe he'll be cuter on the show?
Male Model / Canadian. JoJo is BORED. At least her boobs look freaking amazing.
Cute, right? Nice eyes. JoJo likes him too.
They're joking, right? They didn't really cast this guy for JoJo. There's no way he...
OH COME ON.
Thought Caila was going to be The Bachelorette. Totally not into JoJo.
I don't know about JoJo, but I love him and his sassy eyebrow.
I think she likes him too.
So here's something new and different. His bio pic does nothing for me, but I love his interaction with JoJo at the cocktail party. She looks like she's having a great time with him.
Calls himself a Bachelor Superfan. All I have to say is that I did it first, and I did it better.
Surely James Taylor shaved his neck before Night One, right? I mean, it's national television, for Christ's sake.
Eh. I give it a 4 out of 10.
So cute. And probably normal and fun and not full of stupid gimmicks.
I'm so bad at this.
We all know that Jordan is Aaron Rodgers' brother, right? And all he really had to do was make it out of the limo the first night in order to make it to Hometowns. Pure speculation, of course, but this guy isn't going anywhere early.
He's snarling, right? That's a snarl? I don't get it. Blah blah blah Unicorn.
You know, what? Go ahead and dress up as Santa for the limo exits. It's cool. Just don't be creepy about it, okay? No JoJo on your lap.
Nick S. The kerchief has GOT TO GO.
Why choose neckwear for the bio pic, but not for Night One? Sir, you confuse me.
I actually don't mind the heathered salmon v-neck. And I dig his Night One tan suit. The heart, though? Leave it in the limo, dude.
My guess is that several guys wanted to bring wine to drink straight from the bottle (a la JoJo's Mom). But Robby is the one who got to do so. Producer fave?
Sal has blue balls, and it's only Night One.
Eh. Whatevs. I think they're "breaking bread" in the picture below, which is cute, and a much better use of bread than Breanne's "EVIL GLUTEN" spiel last season.
Here's my question: Why did Wells get to wear something with words on it? Nobody else ever has. Ever. Look back in time if you don't believe me. I'll wait. Also, he brought backup.
Will. Old Blandy.
Cute tie for Night One, though.